Solomon Sore Lips
by Calvin Miller

King Solomon of Israel
Had seven hundred wondrous wives,
And when he kissed them all good night
He puckered seven hundred times.

Although he kissed them at the rate
Of two-o-three-point-five per hour,
It still took three-point-four long hours-
Before his last wife was in bed,
And Solomon was nearly dead,
Overwhelmed by halitosis,
Lip-fatigued by puckerosis!

When Solomon first married them
He really didn't have a clue
(Although it make an awful racket
When the great horde said, "I do!")
All seven hundred nagging wives
Meant just as many pairs of jaws
And several million gripes and groans
And quite a lot of mom-in-laws!

At first he kissed frenetically,
But soon just alphabetically.
He'd kiss his way from Abigail
To Zelpha of Judea,
Taking two ten-minute breaks
At Bilpah and at Leah.

He mostly hated Thursdays,
For that was "concu-night."
That night besides his hordes of brides
He had to kiss the concubines.
While "concues" were less favored,
He owned two hundred fifty-one,
So kissing them required an hour
If he kissed them on the run.

As Solomon grew very old,
He left his alphabet technique
And tried a different way to go
That he believed was quite unique.
And started with the ugliest
(To get the worst out of the way).

Then he kissed the sick ones
(Who had been in bed all day).
And then he kissed the ones with colds
And those with nasal hair,
Smooching rapidly along
Until he gladly reached the fair.

But kissing all the wives goodnight
Gave Solomon his greatest strain:
He kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed
Until his whole mouth felt the pain!

Each evening when his job was done,
Somewhere near three o'clock a.m.,
He always went straight to his bed,
Because he had to wake at five
To kiss them all good morn again.

I've heard that when he finally died
And went up to his home on high,
His welcome wasn't quite divine;
It made a chill run down his spine

To see a thousand concubines,
Standing puckered in a line.
He cried, "I'm doomed, alas, poor me!
I wish I'd married sensibly!"